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Resentment and Expectations
What are expectations? An expectation is a belief in a likely outcome. If you put your hand in a fire it will get burnt. If you drop something it will fall to the ground. As the earth revolves away from the sun it gets dark. These expectations are pretty safe while living on planet earth. They are based on scientific laws. Expectations are also standards or outcomes we expect from ourselves, other people or situations, either good or bad. Other people have expectations of us; sometimes we second guess their expectations of us. We base our expectations on our emotional state, past experience and intelligent appraisal of the situation. The weighting between these factors will shade our expectations differently at different times. When our emotions are running high we will be more subjective and reactive than when we are calm and can be more realistic and objective. There is an expression that “unrealistic expectations are future resentments”. We will always have expectations. The issue is around where we set our standards. Unrealistic expectations will be either too high or too low. Too high will lead to bitterness, resentment and disappointment when things don’t turn out as well as we hoped. Too low will mean that we can undervalue ourselves. If we have low expectations of other people’s behaviour towards us then we can easily allow our own personal worth, or self esteem to drop. We can develop the martyr complex, or become a ‘doormat’ to be walked on. Low expectations in some situations can lead to a pleasant surprise when things work out well but it can also lead to poor quality, missed opportunities and once again resentment and disappointment. The key is really around having realistic expectations. Consider ambition as an expectation of what we will achieve in our careers. Do you feel embittered because you haven’t done as well as you should have in your life? Consider however who defined how well you should have done; yourself, your parents, your teachers? Consider the effort you have put in, the decisions you have had to make. All these have been done based on your knowledge, experience, values and emotional state at the time. Unless you have deliberately sabotaged your own life (and if you have it is likely that you had a valid emotional reason to at the time) you will have done your best for the stage of life you were at which has led you to where you are today. And what is wrong with where you are and who you are today? If this easily provokes a long list perhaps you need to consider your personal expectations of yourself, others and your life. Is there just a tiny bit of ‘unrealistic’ in there? What are you modelling your expectations on? The perfect life you imagine in your head or see portrayed on the television or in adverts. What you or others always said you would or should be? So what is realistic? Realistic for you may not be the same for others. Try to see each person for whom they are and put aside unrealistic expectations from them. By putting too high expectations on our own life as well as on others we will only encourage resentment towards us as well. Do you have resentment inside you towards someone; even if that someone is yourself? If you do you need to ask yourself why and then heal the relationship with the person you feel this towards, if it is towards yourself you need to heal yourself first and then heal your relationships with others. Get your expectations right for yourself; be realistic of your expectations of others, and you will be able to minimize your resentments both given and received. Your life is precisely that – your life. Each and everyone of us has our own unique life to live and it is not for us to judge each other. You have made your decisions that have got you where you are today. Accept them, live with them, be realistic about your future expectations and aim to live each day to your best ability. You can only do your best, not someone else’s.
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This intel was contributed by becando
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May, 2012
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